Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Top ten ways to fark up your customer service call.

Every customer service representative has "buzz words". Most handle an average of 60-100 call ins per day. After they do the opening phrases, certain red flags go off letting them know "This will take 30 seconds, sweet", or "I hope my headset electrocutes me so I can spend the remainder of my shift in a ambulance. Please god, short the wires... Please..."

I've decided to compile a list of the ten most aggravating customer behaviors my agents have reported to me, in no particular order.

10. If your over the age of 70 and still think the best cell phones come in bags, blackberries are not for you. For those of you who keep calling them "blueberries", there's your hint.

9. Don't give your son/husband/grandpa internet access on their phone, then get pissed off and call in because you noticed they signed up for eight subscriptions of "Girls Gone Mobile". You will hear no shame in my voice when I detail your innocent husband's charges.

8. Do not get mad that I explained in detail the charges you racked up for "Girls Gone Mobile" to your wife. Your the one that let her have access to your account.

7. "We never go over our minutes" does not mean that we have a billing error. Guess what, I can see that. Guess what else, I also see that you did this time. Pay your bill.

6. Don't tell me that because you've been a loyal customer, you deserve cancellation fees waived. You need a lesson in irony my friend.

5. If you speak to a supervisor, it probably won't help to claim what a valuable customer you are. I can already see your ARPU (average revenue per unit, or by line), length of tenure with us, how often you pay your bill on time, how many credits you get, how many times you call in and ask for supervisors, etc. Most of the time I already know what I'm going to say to you by the time I say hello. Your 29.99 loyalty price plan that is past due each month is not high value. You'll never earn us back the cost of discounting you a "free phone". Not going to happen.

4. Do not make my agent's cry. I'm sure that in 8th grade screaming obscenities and threatening to bomb my agent's house was scary. Now your a dick. Keep it up and i'll be looking for excuses to cancel your account due to employee harassment. The early termination fees that result? Valid charges.

3. Do not tell me that you didn't read your contract because "nobody reads their contract". It didn't work in grade school. It doesn't work with the cops. Guess what? No dice here either.

2. You can't sue us. Trust me, I know you want to. Re-read #3. If you had read that contact you would know you probably agreed to "mandatory binding arbitration". Ouch.

1. Don't try to fire me. The customer I spoke to three calls ago fired me. Over half the escalated calls I've taken this week should have had me fired. If you had your way Mr. Customer, I'd be fired on average 12.7 times per week. Doesn't happen. The CEO of big cellular doesn't give a rat's ass about my job, or about your account.

If you do one of the above you'll be the joke in the lunchroom. Agent's will laugh and vent merrily while you're writing that letter to corporate. You know, the letter that's going to get me fired. See you in the unemployment line... Oh wait.

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